Wednesday’s Blurbs …

My goddaughter and I. The kid is already taller than me!

I was sitting on my porch enjoying my coffee. It was the first thing I’d digested. Meanwhile, my 13 year old goddaughter had already destroyed a pack of blueberries, half a bag of chips (you know, the big one that’s supposed to last), and a double lunch meat sandwich.

I’m talking about, I’d give up a whole titty and an ass cheek to get that child’s metabolism. The kid is 5’6″, lanky, and can eat all day.

Friday’s Blurbs: Dating Edition …

How many of yall are actually dating? Yesterday, the response to my Facebook Blurbs left me wondering chile. I said I had a boo thang and folks started sending me congratulations. Mind you, I didn’t say I had a girlfriend or that I was engaged or that I was celebrating my anniversary. I’m just dating somebody. Why are you so excited? Dating is normal. Don’t you date?

Let me tell you, I used to be a serial dater. I’ve been out with so many women, I can’t remember them all. I’ll be on a dating app or see a woman in public, experience deja vu, and wonder if it isn’t because I bought her ass dinner!

Monday’s Blurbs …

I was so hell bent on getting myself some eclipse glasses and now I’m seriously contemplating never leaving my house. Sometimes you expend so much energy on the chase that you lose interest in the prize.

I love television. I often meet people who “don’t own a tv” or make a big deal of being outside with nature. Don’t ask me why these people are drawn to me, but they often are. Anyways, I totally support their dislike of tv and being a couch potato, but I refuse to join them. Television is cool. Writing is cool. I love storylines and disappearing into fantasy lands. If I die on my couch binge watching a show, I won’t have a single regret. Embrace what you like folks, and make no apologies for it!

Tuesday’s Blurbs …

As a child, I experienced some of my best naps when an adult put on Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. This past weekend, my niece and I went to see the movie in 3D. Midway through, we were both sound asleep and didn’t awaken until the movie was almost over. After it went off, a few people in the theater clapped. My niece looked as confused as I was that anyone had enjoyed it. Walking to the car, she looked over at me said, “TiTi, we should not have saw that!” I couldn’t have agreed more. I don’t know why I listened to the internet. That cartoon was boring then, and the movie is boring now. Special effects can’t fix the lamest love story ever told.

Thursday’s Blurbs …

A number out of Indiana called me three times this morning before I answered. It turned out to be Sallie Mae (Navient isn’t a real thing). She wanted to know when I’d be paying $200. I explained to her that I’d just paid $400. Then she said “thank you for your payment” and asked me for $200 again. I told her I was now “broke as hell.” She said she understood. Then, after learning I was employed, made a reasonable wage, and wasn’t on government assistance, she informed me she couldn’t help me with any alternative options, but said if I agreed to make another payment within 30 days, she wouldn’t report to my credit. Ask me if I care about her reporting to my credit. I already have a house, car, credit card, and every other soul sucking option you use good credit to attain. I’m sufficiently broke and don’t need anything else. As for the next payment? She gone be waiting!

Tuesday’s Blurbs …


I am not shocked by Ben Carson’s speech. You shouldn’t be either. He agreed to run the Housing and Urban Development department, but his expertise is medicine. When was the last time you sought out your doctor’s advice to buy a house? And before we all jump on the “Ben Carson is stupid” train, lets remember he’s a famed neurosurgeon. It’s not a hoax. He performed amazing surgery. So, instead of insulting his intelligence, how about we just accept what he’s been telling us from the very beginning: He gives ZERO FUCKS. When somebody tells you who they are, believe them.

Friday’s Blurbs …

BarackVacation-web

I’m so sick of Barack and Michelle’s Obama’s vacation. Why is Barack Obama so happy while over half of the country is miserable? Why doesn’t he MISS us?! We need to force his ass to come back to work.

I hate reading on social media about immigration. It just shows how uninformed and utterly lacking in compassion many Americans are. You can spend 20 years legally navigating through our immigration process and still not be a citizen. And if you have children here, they can’t even START the process and sponsor you until they’re over the age of 20. Becoming an American citizen is hard, expensive, and takes a long time. As such, I feel confident saying that if your first words are “deport them” in the immigration debate, you are a dick. And apparently, that’s something YOU’VE spent 20 years working on. Being a dick.

My first set of blurbs in 2017

 

eddielong-cropped

The same people that pray for Bishop Eddie Long condemn out and honest gay people. Kim Burrell gave a sermon condemning homosexuality, but had plans to perform on “Ellen,” even though Ellen is the gayest woman in America. The black church has a message problem. Just be anti-gay and stay that way and stop soliciting money, talent, and exposure from the very people you condemn.

shirley-caesar

And yes, I know Shirley Caesar came out in support of Kim Burrell. I’m not surprised and I don’t care because Shirley Ceasar is a gospel thug and I love her. You ain’t black unless you’ve got an old, religious, homophobic family member that you still like. YOU NAME IT!!!

Monday’s Blurbs …

jackbrad-wideYou ever wake up, get dressed and walk out the door feeling like Brad Pitt, just to pass by a mirror and see you’re looking more like Jack Nicholson? That shit just happened to me this morning. Freaking Mondays.

 

pope_francisPope Francis has given priests the right to forgive abortions. This just happened in 2016. Before this year, I guess you just drowned in a pool of your own shame, guilt, and regret. If ever there was a religion to wrap you in the weight of your own inadequacies, it’s Catholicism. It’s a wonder every serial killer hasn’t been a Catholic. Can you imagine living your whole life without forgiveness? That’s enough to drive someone mad.

Thursday’s Blurbs … The Flummox Edition

Some things in this life just flummox me. Things like:

squatty-potty

Photo: www.squattypotty.com

Toilet Design. I have Squatty Potty’s in all of my bathrooms. It has changed my life. Why in the world are toilets still designed the same? Like, who is the guy in charge of the toilet companies that’s saying, “Skip what we’ve learned about the colon, toilets aren’t going to change!!!”

Overweight vegetarians. I will give you a pass if you just started a year ago, but five years later, I have to ask what’s happening. What in the hell are you putting in your broccoli dish?! And why in the world would anyone give up burgers and bacon if they weren’t going to get skinny?

Thursday’s Blurbs …

I tried out Pokémon GO this week. After walking around the office for a few minutes, I decided I’d rather not be unemployed. Yall enjoy that though!

Speaking of Pokémon GO, as cute as the experience is, I can’t help but find the premise flawed. We are already drones to our phones, walking around aimlessly, bumping into things and not paying attention. We do that just to check text messages. People have fallen off cliffs or hurt themselves. Now, who decided this state of being should be a GAME?! And then, they didn’t even consult Google Maps! Got freaking Pokestops in the middle of traffic. Come on Nintendo. Yall can afford to do better.

Wednesdays Blurbs …

I was standing in the Philadelphia Airport when I first heard about the attacks in Istanbul. Not long after, my flight was delayed. As I sat around, nearly touching people because so many were delayed, it occurred to me how vulnerable we all were. Does anyone really believe the TSA can protect us? I was selected to be patted down because I forgot to take my laptop out of my carry-on bag. As I stood there with my arms up, I couldn’t help but think about how much time was being wasted feeling me up. The type of people who want to hurt others aren’t as careless as me. They’re not stupid. They won’t get caught unless they want to be. The reality is, we aren’t safe. Luckily, my boss is well aware of my anxiety and as I started babbling about Istanbul, she leaned over and said, “Don’t worry, we will be fine. If you want some attention, you blow up New York, not Philadelphia.” It was a nice moment of levity. I needed that … but I’m not stupid enough to believe it’s true. Bad things happen everywhere. Father, protect me and those I love.

It’s hard out here on a date!

Finding-Dory-Disney-pixar-2016Date night cost me over $100. Everything is high as hell. I talked my way into a small discount at the movie theater and still spent $24. To see “Finding Dory.” What are the kids paying?! Japanese food is never cheap. Bartenders gotta be tipped. At this point in life and the economy, if we not in love, we don’t need to damn date. I’m starting to understand why so many are on the “Netflix and Chill” tip. I mean, even if the date was dutch, I’d have still spent over $50! Spending that kind of money just to “hope” somebody is engaging just don’t seem worth it. I got a mortgage!
 Monopoly-Banker-with-Empty-Pockets
So how do people that make minimum wage date? How do single mothers date? How do men who pay child support date? Yall gotta be creative. It’s a dude packing a picnic basket right now! She think he romantic. He done read my post. And quiet as it kept, unless he get food stamps, he done broke the bank to pack that picnic basket! You low key eating blocks of cheap cheese. Gouda prices are through the roof!

 

Tuesday’s Blurbs …

Tuesday’s Blurbs …

I’m a firm believer in voting. Even after some of you finish your “it’s all rigged anyway” argument, I still want to know why you didn’t vote. My argument is, “so what if it is rigged?” Nothing will change the fact that blacks, and all people, have AND still die and fight for the right to vote. Too often, having a voice is a not a right, but a privilege. So whether or not you believe your voice can be a deciding factor, I still think you owe it to your ancestors to cast a ballot whenever you can. Voting is a first world problem I can get behind.

Wednesday’s Blurbs …

MeWork-WebI think I’ve re-injured my ankle. I can’t even begin to tell you how traumatic this is for me. Last year, after 31 years of being an able bodied, “clumsy, yet never been hurt or ever felt my weight even though I’m obese” person, I fell and severely sprained my ankle. This injury changed my life. For the first time, ever, I felt my body when I walked. Suddenly, my lack of athleticism mattered, because I was at the mercy of my own clumsiness, often having to painfully catch myself on the crutches before tripping. And, almost immediately, every ill advised eating decision I ever made literally weighed on me as I shuffled uncomfortably along on crutches. Basically, I was all fucked up. And now, there’s a chance I’m right back where I started. Heaven help me. PIMP DOWN!!!

Wednesday’s Blurbs …

heartsYears ago, my relationship was on life support. Not even a desperate shopping spree to load my girlfriend up with her favorite things could save us. Not long after, we cut the cord and began dating other people. However, there was something inside of me that couldn’t entirely let go. Perhaps it was that I loved her so much. More than likely, it was that I was an immature, selfish, butthead that wanted my girlfriend back the minute I saw her happy with someone else. Either way, I concocted a plan to get her back. Of course it was poorly thought out and destined to fail, because truthfully, neither one of us were really interested in rekindling the flame. I won’t bore you with talk of my desperate attempts at romance, though the Valentine’s Day gift of towering balloons, cheese and wine was quite the spectacle. Nor will I recap the painful lunch where I let her know she needed to let the “new boo” go. What I will do, instead, is take this time out to say “Ted Cruz.”

Thursday’s Blurbs … Rest In Paradise Prince

Prince-s-passport-photo-jpgPrince is dead at age 57. His publicist has confirmed it. You can watch live coverage hereLord have mercy, not the great purple one! My heart is just too heavy. The only positive thing I can think to say at this moment is that, in addition to his amazing music catalog, he has left behind the world’s fiercest passport photo. Rest in Paradise my brother. There may never be another like you. A true original.

Lets take a moment of silence for Prince, and then fill the rest of the day with his music. We’ll be rocking all night!

 

Wednesday’s Blurbs …

beetsThis morning I had to get my niece off to school. When it was all said and done, I was sweating, my niece’s hair was flying out of her two ponytails, we lost an extra five minutes on the clock because I had to give her a tutorial on beets and beet juice (random, I know),  AND she was almost an hour late. As I sped towards her school, eating my Chick-n-Mini’s from Chick-fil-A, it occurred to me that I didn’t even give a damn about their stance towards gay people. I was just glad I could afford to feed the kid something other than McDonalds. As she climbed out of the car and ran into the school, all I could do was smile. She hadn’t finished her Chick-n-Mini’s or orange juice. I demolished her leftovers with glee. Some good came from this shit-tastic morning after all … yep, never having kids. I hear you universe!

Friday’s blurbs …

juicingYesterday I worked from home. I was in a meeting when my niece came into my office with a swollen face. Between helping TiTi juice (more on that later) and pollen season, who knows what set her off. I can’t even begin to describe the panic I experienced. Next thing I know, I’m sweating in Walgreens, (with my meeting muted on speaker phone), and begging the pharmacist to save my niece. An understanding smile, and two bottles of Benedryl later, the kid was watching cartoons and I was back to believing children aren’t for me. I imagine the extreme worry I feel for my niece would only be amplified by a child of my own. I just don’t need the damn stress.