I’m Fat and I Finally Found a Bike!

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Hello fellow fat bikers! This is my main post about biking. Read on to find out how to purchase your bike, learn about retailers that cater to us, and enjoy my experiences as a fat biker. This post has been around for a long time and I keep updating it, so some of this may not interest you. Just keep scrolling until you find the information you need. Happy riding!

Bicycles Teach You Something New Every Day

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Today’s lesson: Keep bicycle tires inflated.

So basically, my bicycle has been sitting for weeks. The minute that Florida summer heat hit, it just looked less than appealing. Today though, I got it in my head that I was going to ride.

When I got the bike outside, I noticed the front tire was under-inflated. So much so, that when I sat on the bike, the rim was almost on the ground. My bike is made to hold a person of my size, so this was unexpected. I was annoyed, but figured I’d ride my bike anyway.

This Is Your Brain…On Apple

Hahaha! Now this is what you call a MAJOR meltdown. I’d prefer to think that maybe she’s just an overwhelmed, sleep-deprived mother, rather than a crazy lady that probably scares the crap out of Apple Store employees. Either way, Apple Care better recognize!!!!

In her defense though, as much as you pay for Apple products, you are liable to go crazy when it’s not working properly. Anybody that’s ever had to endure the “spinning beachball of death” can probably relate!

Dan Cathy Talks Too Much!

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This is Dan T. Cathy, the president of Chick-fil-A.

I really wish Dan Cathy would shut the hell up when communicating with the public! You see, every four months or so, I want some freakin Chick-n-Minis from Chick-fil-A for breakfast! Unfortunately, this guy is ruining it for me with his homophobic hate speech and now I have to experience an identity crisis every time I get my craving!

Pure Hilariousness: Convos With My 2 Year Old

Got kids (or in my case, a cutiepie niece)? If so, you’ve had a conversation with them and probably had to force yourself not to erupt into uncontrollable laughter as this adorable, mini person, looked at you seriously and said pure nonsense.

Bet you never thought to make mini movies out of the dialogue. Matthew Clarke did though! He’s launched a series called “Convos With My 2-Year-Old” where he takes conversations that he has actually had with his young daughter and reenacts them with a grown ass man standing in as her. Pure hilariousness! After you watch the first episode, above, follow his YouTube channel because if you’ve ever been around a kid, you know it’s only going to get funnier!

Stupid Shit Lesbians Say…

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I think Sue Sylvester’s face pretty much sums up how I feel when I hear stupid shit like this:

“Two studs or two femmes dating each other is gay.”
Fool, all lesbians are gay! You sound ignorant as hell. Like, how are you a homophobic homosexual?! Do yourself a favor and simply state “That’s not my preference.” This way, nobody will think you’re the idiot that you are.

“My new girlfriend is my best friend.”
Really?! That’s fucking sad. You just met her. Go find a REAL best friend and then it won’t be awkward when you break up.

Stupid Shit People Do On Facebook

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Whenever I’m on Facebook, I’m always saddened when…

A woman dresses nice and posts a picture with a caption that says: “I’m on my grown woman ish. Professional mode! Corporate!”
Look, all you did was put on a skirt and a dress shirt. This is your idea of being on grown woman ish?! This is worth calling out? Are you saying that most of the time you’re on some other kind of ish? Do you look like a homeless crackhead the rest of the time? I’m just saying…if you have to put a spotlight on looking like an adult, maybe you need to step your adult game up.

Wine + Stun Gun = Courage

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Ever been hit by a stun gun? Well, after a few bottles of wine and an episode of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, me and my homies decided it was worth trying out. I blame ratchet tv.

And so when my buddy Sheree (also one of my main homeskillets, my voice of reason, my writing coach and founder of the open mic I help co-host, Oral Fixation) got it in her mind she could take the hit, I was ready for it!

The nonsense below ensued. Oh and…

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don’t drink wine with a stun gun around.

My Bike Riding Outfit Makes Me Look Like a Jackass

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Yes, I know, I look a hot damn mess. And no, I don’t care. I will continue to ride my bike in this outfit. It works for me and I’m grown, so I don’t have to explain anything to you!

I do wonder sometimes what people think when they pass by me in their car though. I imagine they laugh, as Mo did when she drove upon me riding and took the picture below.

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That’s okay though, laugh! I’m confident. Bitches.

Signs of the Apocalypse

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The problem with having stupid people in high positions is that songs like “Accidental Racist” by LL Cool J and Brad Paisley get released.

I mean, seriously. Nobody heard this and said, “Okay, let’s tweak the lyrics”?!?!

I feel like the only thing that sets this country, it’s people and our educational system further back than crap like this song, is the fact that it was even made…and that people are having to explain why it’s stupid.

How NOT to Go Fishing!

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I was enjoying my Saturday, when about 1:40 p.m., I received a call from my bestie Mo. She invited me to go fishing. Now, this wasn’t a regular invitation. This was an “I’ve decided you’re going out with me, but I’m still gonna invite you as a courtesy” invitation.

While my plan had been to work on this blog all day, I accepted the invite and she said she’d be through soon, which meant I still had time to work on my blog. Mo, like most women, has a skewed sense of time. When she says she’ll be there “in a minute” she really means an hour. If she says she’ll be there soon, that means anywhere from 2-4 hours. As such, she didn’t even show up to my house until around 4:15 p.m. I jumped up, threw on shoes and we hit the road.

The Problem With “Face Pictures” Online

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When I go to a page online and see photos of women, and all they have is face shots, I am instantly ready to pimp slap them. What are you hiding?!

Right now ladies, ask yourself if you’re one of those people. And if you are, I urge you to follow this advice:

  • Find someone to take a picture of you from head to toe.
    This is very important. Use me as an example. I don’t have a fat face. By that, I mean, you can see my neck, I lack double chins…etc. However, if you see a full body shot, you will realize that Shaquea is fat. Do not lie about who you are. They should fall for you…ALL OF YOU.

I Paid My Ticket at the Courthouse

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And I wrote a Facebook post while standing in line. The post read like this:

“At the courthouse, staring around in complete shock at the attire some of these people have chosen. Who in the hell wakes up and says, “Let’s go to the courthouse in daisy dukes and wornover Nike sandals with my hair all over the top of my head, looking a hot, homeless mess”?!?

I Guess Some Rich Guy Wanted a Motorcycle???

 

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And this is the best he could come up with?!?!

Check out this yuppie ass motorcycle I saw at the Starbucks by International Plaza! It’s also in a handicapped space with a sticker. Lol…I just have no words. Anyways…

This motorcycle is not thuggin! The dude that drives up to a motorcycle bar on this is getting beat up. If a guy on a Harley rides up next to you on this, he is going to laugh. This is the equivalent of pulling up to a muscle car rally in a Smart Car. If he rides this thing to the hood, they gonna steal his rims and let him keep the bike!

I Absolutely, Positively Hate Cheap Shit!

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This is not me being stank or bougie. This is me being smart. When you purchase cheap shit, it gives you “cheap shit” problems. Like breaking or dying or falling apart, even though we live in a time where things are practically unbreakable!

For instance, my cheap ass COBY 32 inch flatscreen tv. Now, my mom purchased this. She insisted on me getting a tv, she insisted on paying for it, and she insisted on it being cheap. I argued with her, because I hate cheap shit. She finally rescinded the offer.

Hot Mess of the Day

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So I’m in traffic jamming to Mary Mary’s “Go Get It”… I’m talkin bout, it’s a serious, holy ghost party up in the car! So serious, I played the song 3 times. As it ended for the final time, and while I was sitting there feeling extra glorified, dang if Juicy J’s “Bands a Make Her Dance” didn’t come on next. I felt a slight bit of shame as my shoulders began to rock…and then I cut the volume on the song up.

Sweet Baby Jesus! I have got to do a better job of making my playlists!

I Encountered Pure Ridiculousness on My Dating Profile

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Let me say this first: I have met amazing women on Plenty of Fish. I have gone on to be good friends with them. Some I have dated, and while it didn’t work out, I have absolutely no regrets. They are fantastic women.

With that being said, most of the time you just encounter pure fuckery. I’ve attached a picture of what may be the briefest, dumbest exchange I’ve had on Plenty of Fish this year. I try my best to remain classy and positive when encountering stupidity, but let me tell you, this idiocy made me consider deleting my account. I have deleted her name and blurred her photo. While I feel bad for anyone that encounters her, I don’t feel it’s my place to put her on blast.

Bands a Make Her Dance

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So I’m out walking this morning and I hear the rap song, by Juicy J, “Bands a Make Her Dance” bumping behind me. I live in a pretty residential neighborhood and it’s like 7 a.m. I assume it’s some teens driving to school with the windows down.

How about, I look up as the car passes by and it’s actually a middle age white lady in a huge mini van with the windows rolled up. I died laughing as her old ass drove by like a BOSS! Won’t be long before she blows them old ear drums out! Buss it wide open ol’ lady!