Shout Out To The White People for Putting Me On Pimento Cheese

Photo: www.thecountrycook.net

Let me tell you, white people have really outdone themselves with pumpkin spice mania. By the time I read an article about pumpkin spice pizza, I was utterly disgusted and wondering if maybe there was no hope for white people and their white peopling. Then I took a bite of my turkey and pimento cheese sandwich.

Wait, does pimento cheese belong to the white people? I have no idea. I just know that I never saw the stuff until I moved to the South and attended a company potluck with a bunch of, you guessed it, white people. I still recall the horror I felt when my co-worker first offered me one of the mini pimento cheese sandwiches on the table. All I heard were the words “cheese” and “sandwich.”

Crayola was life 

This meme … I tell ya. I remember being in the art supply aisle drooling at this box of crayons. I’d probably have sold my little soul if someone offered them to me. Crayola was life.

I never did get this box. We were too poor.

Maybe a year or two ago, I purchased the Crayola Ultimate Crayon Collection for my niece. 152 crayons. Crayon sharpener. Multi-tiered, four-sided case. As she opened the box, I admired it with pride. I never would’ve dreamed of owning that set of crayons as a kid.

I’ve Been Laid Off My Job, I’m Scared and It’s the Best Thing That’s Happened To Me

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After 4 years, 10 months and 16 days, I was laid off from my job. The next day, my former co-workers promptly took me out drinking. As you can see above, it seemed like more of a glorious day than a depressing one. But as I sat at the table gazing out at everyone in a haze of depression, coupled with relief and colored by inebriation, a realization was beginning to form. While I didn’t actually realize it at that time, I was at the very beginning of what I would later come to refer to as my “Layoff Cycle.”

I’m Fat and I Finally Found a Bike!

Featured

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Hello fellow fat bikers! This is my main post about biking. Read on to find out how to purchase your bike, learn about retailers that cater to us, and enjoy my experiences as a fat biker. This post has been around for a long time and I keep updating it, so some of this may not interest you. Just keep scrolling until you find the information you need. Happy riding!

ShaqWorld, You’ve Got Mail!

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ShaqWorld.com has received it’s FIRST piece of mail! 50 free business cards, that I designed, from Klout (well you pay shipping, so they aren’t that dang free). But hey, they are VERY appreciated. I’ll be handing these bad boys out whenever I can and hopefully it’ll spark a movement. I am such a fuckin blogger man!

The Tampa Gun Show Shocked Me

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I paid $9 to enter into the Tampa Bay Gun Show and there was a $6 parking fee for the Florida State Fairgrounds. After that, you were free to explore, unless you brought your own gun. If so, you had to undergo an inspection to make sure the gun was safe and unloaded. It was all very informal though. A lady just asked if you had a gun and if you said no, you were waved in. I suppose they figured the abundance of weapons at the show would prevent people from feeling froggy. But in light of the Boston Marathon tragedy, I think it’s safe to say one is never truly safe. But moving on…

Every Lesbian Needs a Homeboy!

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Check out Chris! I love this dude!

I’m not much of a television watcher. Most of everything I watch is viewed on my iMac when I have downtime. As such, my flatscreen in the living room is collecting dust and the old monstrosity Chris is carrying was in the bedroom, where it was almost always unplugged.

See, my mom come to stay with me, once, for a about a month. She was disgusted I didn’t have a television in the bedroom. I told her she’d be alright. She said okay. Then I came home and I had the above time capsule waiting on me. That’s what I get for talking back to my mom.

My Bike Riding Outfit Makes Me Look Like a Jackass

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Yes, I know, I look a hot damn mess. And no, I don’t care. I will continue to ride my bike in this outfit. It works for me and I’m grown, so I don’t have to explain anything to you!

I do wonder sometimes what people think when they pass by me in their car though. I imagine they laugh, as Mo did when she drove upon me riding and took the picture below.

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That’s okay though, laugh! I’m confident. Bitches.

My First Blog Gift!

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So my bestie, Mo, calls me this afternoon and says she’s coming over to pick up her charger. This fool always leaves something at my house, so I think nothing of it. How about, this evening when she arrived, I opened up the door and she stepped into the house with this gift bag! All to celebrate me finally releasing my blog!

MY DAWG SO SWEET!!!

How NOT to Go Fishing!

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I was enjoying my Saturday, when about 1:40 p.m., I received a call from my bestie Mo. She invited me to go fishing. Now, this wasn’t a regular invitation. This was an “I’ve decided you’re going out with me, but I’m still gonna invite you as a courtesy” invitation.

While my plan had been to work on this blog all day, I accepted the invite and she said she’d be through soon, which meant I still had time to work on my blog. Mo, like most women, has a skewed sense of time. When she says she’ll be there “in a minute” she really means an hour. If she says she’ll be there soon, that means anywhere from 2-4 hours. As such, she didn’t even show up to my house until around 4:15 p.m. I jumped up, threw on shoes and we hit the road.

Nude Nite Was Pretty Cool!

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I know I’m late posting this, but rather late than never. Nude Nite was awesome! It was $20 to get in and I quite enjoyed that. The price kept the riffraff out. Plus, once you see all of the art on display, you totally understand the price. From live art and performances, to paintings and people walking around in costume, it is truly an experience.

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I won’t go on and on about the show, you need to go pay your own $20! But I DEFINITELY recommend it! The show comes once a year, so be there or be square in 2014.

A Belated Birthday Gift

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I was busy during the week leading up to my birthday, and as such, I missed out on seeing some of my friends. One of them, Blair, mentioned to me that she had a gift for me. I honestly didn’t think much of it. I figured she probably had me a card. Well, I recently caught up to her and this is what she got me:

  1. A birthday card.
  2. A $25 Visa Gift Card
  3. A 750 ml bottle of Disaronno

How amazing is this woman?! I love birthday gifts. I love me some Blair. *sigh* She so SWEET!!!

I Hung Out in the Bucs Stadium!

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I’m standing on the field! Pretty cool, hunh? Let me tell ya, this is the closest I will ever come to being a football player. It’s also the closest I’ll ever get to the stadium, as I refuse to pay money to see the Bucs live. They lose too much and it’s too damn hot in Florida! I’m freaking sweltering. It looks like I’m about to burst into flames! Fat people should never feel this hot. Like, ever.

Beauty Depot on Fowler Avenue is the Shit!

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There comes a moment, when a stud is playing around in a hair store and trying on wigs, where they realize, “Oh shit, I look just like my mother!”

Yep, that happened to me in Beauty Depot. I was only slightly traumatized. But yeah, enjoy my femme looks. Hahaha! I look a hot mess!

And then, after you stop laughing, you need to straight to this story. I swear, they have everything! I’m talkin bout, you can go up in there and get hair supplies, then get you hair did and then accessorize your damn outfit! It’s not a game in Beauty depot. Check out my photos below. I’m holding a big bottle of my favorite Argan Morrocan Oil. I’ve only found this size there!

God is Good, All the Time

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Though horribly bruised and moving very slowly, I WALKED AWAY FROM THIS ACCIDENT on Halloween in 2009. May my Jeep, Jennifer, RIP.

And may I continue to earn and embrace this blessing of life. I know, very much so, that God is not through with me yet. I don’t know why I was spared, but I’m so glad I was. And I intend to live my life like it’s golden until it’s finally my time.

AMEN!