Stupid Shit Lesbians Say…

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I think Sue Sylvester’s face pretty much sums up how I feel when I hear stupid shit like this:

“Two studs or two femmes dating each other is gay.”
Fool, all lesbians are gay! You sound ignorant as hell. Like, how are you a homophobic homosexual?! Do yourself a favor and simply state “That’s not my preference.” This way, nobody will think you’re the idiot that you are.

“My new girlfriend is my best friend.”
Really?! That’s fucking sad. You just met her. Go find a REAL best friend and then it won’t be awkward when you break up.

“I hate touch me not studs.”
Hate is a very strong word. Nobody told you to date that heffa! Come date ME. You can touch ME! *wink*

“I don’t date women with kids.”
You are not allowed to say this if you have kids. It makes you sound like you don’t like your own kids. I bet they’re bad as hell too.

“I’m done with men. I’m a lesbian.”
Are you sure? If you were dating a man 3 months ago or have an infant, perhaps it couldn’t hurt to rethink that statement. There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual. (Somebody needs to put this on a t-shirt.)

“I don’t like to talk.”
Unless we learn sign language, this relationship is doomed.

“I know I’m a femme, but I don’t do other femmes.”
This has to be some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. You’re a woman that doesn’t like other women? What kind of sense does that make?! And who do you talk to about girly shit?!  I KNOW you don’t expect me to listen to you talk about red bottoms!

“(Insert Girls Name Here) is my baby daddy.”
*Blank Stare* I just can’t.

“After she cheated on her last girlfriend and moved out of her house, she moved in with me and now she expects me to take care of everything.”
Oh, so I guess you think you’re the pussy whisperer? What did you expect?! Imagine that…a scrub behaving like a scrub.

“I’m always in a relationship.”
Why can’t you be alone? Don’t you like yourself? Why should I like you, when YOU don’t like you?

“Nobody loves me. Nobody cares about me.”
Seek counseling. They have medication for this.

“She’s too nice.”
Does this mean you’d have liked her better if she treated you like shit? Damn. I don’t want to punch you in the stomach, so I’m just going to pray for you instead.

“She beat on me, but I want her back.”
You know, I’m not judging your feelings. You can’t control them…but I am judging that you seem to think this is okay. Nobody wants to date the broke Rihanna. They have mental health professionals for this.

“I called her and texted her multiple times and left multiple messages and she still hasn’t responded.”
She does not want to talk to you. It happens.

“She said she has a girlfriend, but I don’t believe her.”
If she’s lying about this to you, she thinks you’re ugly. Sucks to be you.

“I know I said this before, but for real, I’m done with her ass!”
Quit lying! Nobody likes a liar. Damn. Just be with her trifling ass. Trifling people need love too.

“I’m a classy bitch.”
Oh wow. Please tell me you said that in jest.

“I never pay on dates.”
Must be nice. Stingy ass heffa.

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