It’s amazing how time and experience changes your perspective:
When I was 21 years old…
If a girl didn’t like me, I immediately saw it as a personal challenge to change her mind and show her what she was missing.
I’d be her best friend, pursue her and never miss out on an opportunity to take her out, all because I was waiting on that moment when she finally showed me consideration. I mean, the very thought of “getting her,” or “winning her affections” would get me excited. So much so, that I’d feel a burst of adrenaline. Back then, doing or saying something outrageous to swing the pendulum to my side was “romantic.”
Even worse? Sometimes, I’d be so high off the adrenaline that by the time the girl actually showed interest in me, I didn’t even want her anymore! I mean, where was the fun in that?
This was called “The Thrill of the Chase.”
And why was I into it, anyway? Well, I clearly didn’t know my own worth. I was clearly insecure, most of the time, about what I had to offer. I asked myself questions like: “Why aren’t I good enough for her?” “Why isn’t she attracted to me? Is it because I’m fat?” And then, my young and growing, yet not quite realized, superego couldn’t accept that someone that I wanted, didn’t want me.
Like a child, I was convinced that I should have something, simply because I desired it, regardless of whether or not it was right, meant, or good for me.
At age 29 though?
If a girl doesn’t like me, I just want to know right away so that I can begin the process of working her out of my mind, because wasting my time on someone that doesn’t want me is stupid.
Let’s go out on one date. If we don’t have chemistry, if our time together feels “off” or isn’t comfortable, lets put it out there immediately. I may be hurt, but I accept that it didn’t work out. Nowadays, doing or saying something outrageous to swing the pendulum to my side is just “embarrassing.”
What’s important here is that I acknowledged my feelings and attempted to make something of it. Sometimes though, things aren’t meant to be. Lets cut the cord and move on. I’m not mad at you. We can still be acquaintances. I wish you well and hope you find what you’re looking for!
This is called, “She’s just not that into you and that is okay.”
Aside from finally coming to a place where I reject the “Captain-Save-A-Hoe” complex, this may be one of my most important lessons I’ve learned about relationships. Do I still ask myself some of those old questions? Sure, I’m human. Unlike then though, I know how to shake them off. I now see that everyone has preferences, myself included, and those preferences say more about what that person wants, then about what I don’t have to offer them. I am not defined by my rejections.
Growing up means accepting that sometimes you’ll be alone and that’s okay. Sometimes someone will not want you. That’s okay. Actually, better than okay, it’s kind of perfect. Time is the human beings most valuable commodity. It’s too precious to waste on someone that doesn’t want you! Part of knowing your worth is understanding that a partner should know it as well. The thrill of the chase may provide a moment of satisfaction, but being with someone that wants you, just as much as you want them, offers an opportunity for YEARS or even a LIFETIME of satisfaction.
I’m proud to say I finally understand which option I should be choosing.