My Top 10 Rules for Online Dating

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I have always been comfortable with online dating. And it’s because of this that I felt it was important to share my “Top 10 Rules for Online Dating” at the end of this post.

I’d like to think of myself as a communicator. If I can’t do anything else, I am comfortable with words. I find it easy to talk to people, online or off. I also like the ease of online dating. I have a ton of women available to contact, at once, and we’re able to avoid that awkward moment, in person, when you realize you’re not attracted to each other. Online, you can just ignore people’s messages. I also like that online dating doesn’t require me to attend a club. Online dating provides all those people, without the cigarette smoke. So yes, I am very comfortable with online dating.

And with that comfort comes irritability. I absolutely HATE dealing with people who have not attempted to learn the rules of online dating, especially related to lesbian online dating. You want to do it, so learn how. It’s actually quite simple:

  1. Stop uploading pictures of yourself in compromising positions, while saying that you want a serious relationship.
    You just look like a hoe. I promise, that’s what someone is thinking.
  2. Stop calling yourself a lesbian when you want a woman to hook up with you and your boyfriend.
    You’re not a lesbian. You’re nasty. Keep it real! Somebody will still want your nasty ass.
  3. Put up multiple pictures, in different poses.
    Meaning, at least one picture that focuses on your face AND one that shows you from head to toe. Do not alter this photo in anyway. By that, I mean, don’t stretch or skew it. Nobody wants to show up expecting Halle Berry and find Precious. Quit fuckin playin!
  4. Put up a RECENT picture.
    That means, one taken within the last year or so. And if you’ve altered your appearance, by either losing or gaining a ton of weight or getting a visible piercing, etc., put up the most recent picture. That “2002″ high school picture is not the damn business, so unless you’re like 18 years old, that high school picture shouldn’t be anywhere but your parent’s mantle. Just stop lying about your appearance. It’s rude!
  5. Post pictures of yourself ALONE.
    There’s nothing worse than seeing tons of pictures and assuming you’re the hot one, then showing up and finding out you’re the ugly one. That’s just mean. As a matter of fact, if you can only load a picture of yourself with someone else, make sure you’re prettier. Please and thank you.
  6. Put up an answer for ALL questions.
    Meaning, if I’ve answered a question about my children and weight and then notice you don’t have entries for that on your profile, I already know you’re hiding something. Just be honest. There’s somebody for everybody.
  7. If you have huge insecurity issues, find someone else to write your profile information for you.
    I’m sorry, but it’s painful to read about how much you dislike yourself. Yes, I know this is a deception, but I support you in this endeavor. You’ll never find a date sounding like you’re about to jump off a damn bridge. It’s depressing.
  8. Do your best to avoid any unnecessary typos on your profile.
    There is no reason for every word to be spelled wrong, especially since most websites now indicate a misspelling with those red squiggly lines. You are on a computer. Take your ass to Dictionary.com and look up that “big word.” It’ll make you look smarter and there aint nothing wrong with that!
  9. If you plan to type a lot of things about yourself, make sure that you use punctuation and proper formatting.
    You should not be afraid to write a lot. Newsflash: Online dating requires you to type about yourself and read about other people. The more you share, the easier it is for a person to determine if they’re interested in something other than your pictures. As for formatting, it’s IMPORTANT! Nobody wants to read a full paragraph in upper case text. It reads like you’re yelling. You’ll also find a person hard pressed to read anything without periods. They’re like random, run on thoughts with no end. It’s hard to figure out what you’re saying and easier to assume you don’t have a high school diploma or GED.
  10. This is the most important rule of all. Do NOT SEND MESSAGES WITH ONLY ONE WORD!
    It makes you look like you’re incapable of communicating, which is ridiculous, because you’re attempting to date in a format that requires communication! Also, if someone has a note on their profile not to send one word messages and you do so, they immediately know you didn’t read it. What are you, six years old? Reading is fundamental! I feel justified in assuming you’re an idiot.

Happy (Online) Dating!!!