This is the 365 Organic Peppered Turkey Jerky. It is a crack snack. And what is a crack snack?
Crack Snack: A Shaq Diesel term. Borrows the word crack to help describe something addicting. Defined as any snacking item that you purchase and consume in one sitting, even though it should last you multiple days or more.
For instance, Lemon Girl Scout cookies are a crack snack. One day, I sat down to watch a tv show. I happened to open the box and eat a cookie. About 45 minutes later, my tv show had gone off and I’d finished the entire box of lemon cookies. My face, fingers and shirt was covered in the white, powdery substance that covers the cookies. I stood up and then powder coated my socks. Even though I was in my apartment alone, I still looked around to make sure no one saw. I was so ashamed.
And it’s after telling you that story, that I tell the story of this 365 Organic Peppered Turkey Jerky:
After a healthy lunch of Smoothie King with my coworker Nick, we decided to pay a visit to Whole Foods. You know, to keep the healthy party going. I hadn’t planned to purchase anything, but then I saw the jerky and figured, “Why Not?”
Then I got to the counter and realized it was turkey, not beef jerky, which is what I had intended to buy. As if that wasn’t bad enough the price was $7.99, plus tax! Damn you Whole Foods! But then, I purchased it anyway. It was pay day and I didn’t feel like walking back over to the rack. Don’t judge me!
Anyways, we get back to the office and I sit at my desk and start working. But then I think…”let me try a piece of that jerky.” Now, I like jerky, but I’m not a huge fan of it. Every now and then I’ll buy a small bag and it’ll last me 2-3 days. So ask me how, while looking over working and editing it…I managed to finish the whole bag?
That’s right. THE WHOLE BAG. One piece turned into two, that turned into 3…that turned into empty. And it was ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS! Maybe it’s because it’s organic or something…but I promise you, it’s the best jerky I’ve ever had in my life.
Then, I glanced up at my sleeping Mac and saw a horrified reflection staring back at me. It was not a proud moment. I went to talk to Nick to feel better about myself. It went like this:
Me: (holding up bag) I am so ashamed. Look at this!
Nick: (eyes bulging out) Ooohhh…Yeah, that’s not good.
Me: I know dude, what the hell is in these things?!
Nick: They’re organic.
Me: Dude, these things are SO GOOD!
Nick: Yeah, I see.
Me: Well, it’s fat free and each serving is only 60 calories and 11 grams of protein. For the whole bag that’s 180 calories and a bunch of protein.
Nick: Woah. Yeah, that’s a lot of protein! At least it’s healthy.
Me: I know hunh? it’s only like, the calories of a bag of chips.
And that, people, is how you justify extreme fat shit. And how Nick kindly didn’t call me Precious Jr.