Years ago, my relationship was on life support. Not even a desperate shopping spree to load my girlfriend up with her favorite things could save us. Not long after, we cut the cord and began dating other people. However, there was something inside of me that couldn’t entirely let go. Perhaps it was that I loved her so much. More than likely, it was that I was an immature, selfish, butthead that wanted my girlfriend back the minute I saw her happy with someone else. Either way, I concocted a plan to get her back. Of course it was poorly thought out and destined to fail, because truthfully, neither one of us were really interested in rekindling the flame. I won’t bore you with talk of my desperate attempts at romance, though the Valentine’s Day gift of towering balloons, cheese and wine was quite the spectacle. Nor will I recap the painful lunch where I let her know she needed to let the “new boo” go. What I will do, instead, is take this time out to say “Ted Cruz.”
Yes, that’s right, Ted Cruz. Oh, and Carly Fiorina. Standing on stage at the end of a ruined relationship, trying to convince somebody they could save it. Just like a selfish butthead to waste a woman’s time, knowing he can’t deliver. Cruz’s Hail Mary pass — declaring Fiorina his Vice President and pounding the campaign trail in Indiana — was so sad and pathetic, it was painful to watch. The only thing it appeared to do was make Donald Trump look better. In comparison, Trump was the competent, confident leader, Ted the bumbling loser that couldn’t let it go. I’m not sure how this election plays out, or what consequences reverberate from it in the future, but what I do truly believe is that, Rafael Cruz will never be president.
Speaking of Carly Fiorina, can you believe she agreed to that nonsense? I just shook my head as I saw her fall off that stage, her Cuban puppeteer enthusiastically shaking hands, ignorant (indifferent) to her on the ground below. Suddenly, I was reminded that her time at HP wasn’t exactly celebrated. She’s no stranger to bad decisions … She won’t be president either. In her defense though, good ol’ Rafael was equally indifferent to his poor wife. Check out that elbow. Yikes! Aint no pander like a Ted Cruz pander!
In other news, John Kasich has finally decided to drop out of the Republican presidential race. Most of us are asking, “Was he ever in?’ Actually, I bet some of you don’t even know what he looks like. Enjoy his official photo as the governor of Ohio. Ironically, John “who the heck is that guy” Kasich may have been the better candidate of the three, in my opinion. Ohio isn’t the disaster it used to be, and unlike Cruz, he at least cares about not appearing so conservative that you want to punch him in the face. Most importantly, unlike Trump, Kasich actually has a wealth of political EXPERIENCE. You know, that thing that somehow has ceased to matter in order for someone to be the leader OF THE FREE WORLD.
Johnson & Johnson has remained in the news. This time a woman was awarded $55 million because their talc-powder products, when used for feminine hygiene, is linked to ovarian cancer. That’s right, baby powder is the devil, even though it smells so wonderful! Don’t you just enjoy being reminded that pretty much EVERYTHING that you enjoy in our world is killing you. That’s right, everything: hamburgers, delicious alcoholic beverages (no link needed, you know the shit is killing us), and now, baby powder!
Rest in Power Afeni Shakur. May there be more survivors like you, dear mama.